This is what fading feels like

To know your friends don't revere you anymore. That you're an image of the past to them, not the present. Knowing you had more than you have. Where you feel like you're trying your best not to smear the remaining blood left in your body all over the chair you're sitting in just because it'd ruin a perfectly good chair further than it already is by being occupied by your fat ass.

Fading feels like dying. Supposing that fading from one color to another technically involves dyes, perhaps this is why i keep saying i'm dying. Or maybe because it's always true. Everybody frowns and turns when i say it. It's further proof of my lack of purpose and meaning. Nobody bothers. Like faded print on a newspaper ad - nobody cares what it said.

i can't tell if i'm fading darker or lighter. It feels like lighter, like i'm just disappearing with the stars every morning. Then night comes and i stick out, unwanted.
Maybe i'm fading to darkness. Ideally, i'll become part of the landscape and photographers will damn my depth and irregularity. Unidentifiable darkness. Part of a chunk

The way it starts is darkness, easily.

and that starts with how you feel

i don't fit in, i'm not part of this crowd, i don't have any say, i hate them because they're different, and they hate me because i'm supposed to be like them.
WE'RE A TEAM.

It's hard to find the best friends. You have several friends, from different parts of your life, and they know that they're that part of your life. Go-see-movies friend, get-wasted friend, videogame friend, roadtrip friend, work friend, church friend, school friend, internet friend, random friend. They all have their titles, officially, but that's not what they're called. You don't hang out with your pastor to watch the game and call him father. He doesn't want that, and you are his friend, right? so you call him dave. When you call your buddies to go out, you call them whatever build up they need to get the courage to go out and be around strangers all night. When you win in goldeneye, you call your friend the loser. Because he lost. And he accepts this.

But when you are the leader of your friends... you are the alvin, you are their captain, you are the decision maker, you are the reasonable judgement, you are the adventure... what happens when you start fading? people won't follow someone they can't see. They won't want a faded mess and they don't want to help out a sack of shit who wastes space on the couch.

I've been fading for too long and I'm sick of it.
I don't deserve to feel like this, NO ONE DOES.
What is my solution? The same thing it's always been.
Leave.

It's fake

Welcome to my other side.

Hope this goes well.

End test